Today is Christmas. Right now is Christmas Night and it 15 minutes to 12. I have had a great Christmas. Oh sure I got some wonderful gifts from the most important man in my life. But the greatest gift is that he stood up for me today.
His mom, a wonderful person truly she is. But she is judgemental, and Earth forbid someone tell her that. But anyway, my Dominant and I have been married for 11 years and honestly, she has never approved of what I wear or how I comb my hair or anything as a matter of fact. I know this and so does he. She doesn't approve of how we raise our children or how we dress them or the church we attend or how I keep house and the list goes on and on and on.
My Dominant likes me in close fitting jeans, high heeled boots, and wigs. So for Christmas he bought me a new wig that has very light highlights to it. The wig is dark brown with some very light brownish streaks in it and it is cut into a bob that is short in the back and curves around my face and has long bangs. Anyway, he liked it when he saw it and bought for me. I opened it up this morning and loved it. I opened my boots this morning and they are patented lather and shiny black and has at least 4 inch heels. I put on a dark purple long sleeved buttoned down dress shirt and low rise boot cut stone washed denim jeans. He thought I looked great and I felt great.
So we get to his mom's and the first thing she says is girl, you know you have too much booty for those jeans. No, she didn't say hi or Merry Christmas or anything, what does she say, my pants are too tight. Then she says she doesn't like my hair (wig). Then she says the boots I have on are not good to wear because they are too high and can cause medical problems and on and on and on. I just let her finish and then politely excuse myself from the room and go sit down and talk to others in the house. By the way, she said all of this in the presence of others in the house. It is like she feels just because she is the Matriach of her family she can say whatever she wants to say in the manner she wants to say in the presence of whomever she wants to. I was not rude or disrespectful or anything. I would never be disrecptful to her because she is an elderly person (60yrs old), she is my Dominant's mother, she is my mother in law, and the Grandmother of my children. But damn, can't I just walk into her house for once in my life and just have her say, hi. Damn.
So later in the afternoon she corners my Dominant (her son of course) and goes on with him about me. He promptly tells her Momma 1) she is my wife and she wears what I like to see her wear. She dresses to please me and no one else. 2) I bought that wig for her because I liked it. She also likes it and we are the only two that matter. 3) I bought those boots because she liked them and I like her in heels and that is all that matter. 4) If you don't like what she wears that is ok, because she is my wife and I like it.
Earlier, I was fixing the kids plate. I always allow my kids to tell me what they want to eat. It is how we do things in our house. But, no she insisted that I just fix their plates and if they don't eat they can talk to her. I looked at my Dominant he just slightly shook his head and I obeyed because he said to, and he just wanted it to be a nice day. It took a lot for me not to tell the whole house those are my kids and if I want them to say what they want then those are my kids. But that would have just set off something else and he wanted to avoid that, so I bit my tongue and put just the basic food on the kids plate. Then subject came up of fixing the men's plates. Well, I have always made His plate and since we began this journey I have found a new drive in servicng Him and new pleasure and a renewed joy in serving Him. So I heard him say, the Tori will fix my plate. I didn't think anything about it really, just rolled my eyes in my head and just took a deep breath (not at Him or what He said, because I will/did fix his plate but at the whole reason behind the comment in the first place). Anyway, I continued to fix his plate and then someone said (it was either his brother or his mother) said yep, she will do it, he has her well trained. I just cringed in my head and soul at that comment, not becasue it was true but because it was said out of being mean, nasty, and sarcastic. I thought He was going to say, yes I do. But to my hearts content He said, no that is not why she does it, she does it out of love. My heart got lighter, I felt this smile come across my face, and I felt incredibly loved and cherished.
So all in all the day was great for me. I have felt loved, cherished, and protected. I love this man of mine and I know he loves me.
Merry Christmas
Tori sub to BigDaddy.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
His Dominance
Yes, you read that correctly. He is the Dominant in our relationship. Why? I have stated that before, it is what we feel, think and believe is His role in our we as designed by God. Has He always been dominant? Yes, He has always had a very dominant side to His natural personality. He has this spark or fire within that at the beginning of our marriage kept me on my toes. It made me think, this Man is no joke, if I mess up what will happen? Shudder. So, I didn't mess up. I kept the house spotless and He always had a hot meal ready for when He got home.
Then slowly over the years for too many reasons to go into now, I began to realize that something changed in our dynamic. I began to test the waters and see just how much I could get away with. I started staying away from home. Oh, I didn't hang out at bars or anything, no I neglected the gift of my Husband for hanging out with my church sisters. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out with your girls, until hanging out with the girls become your number one goal. But, every so often He would complain about my not being at home and of course I would change my behavior briefly just to appease Him. But there was no true change, no true desire to put Him first as He should and had a right to be.
My man is by nature also very gentle, patient, quiet, reserved, intelligent, caring, nurturing, kind, understanding, peaceful, slow to anger, and loving. He doesn't have a mean streak or hateful bone in his body. Now because of this, most people think he is unassuming, a far cry from the truth. He is modest but he is very assured of his work and himself. He knows who he is and is comfortable with himself and his knowledge. Some people will bypass him, again thinking he is not worth their time. They soon find themselves wrong.
He has this air about him that lets people know just how far to go. The problem is that those who don't know him, will go past that point because they are not paying attention to the set of his jaw, his posture, or tone of voice. Then when he has reached his point he will cut the conversation off and walk away. If they continue to push he will politely and quietly tell them enough and walk off. If they insist on pursuing it he will then tell them all the things they didn't want to know but would let it go.
So what does this have to do with me and our relationship, everything. I have on one occasssion too many pushed past the point of no return. I quickly realized the error of my ways. But not always the way I expected or wanted. But in our relationship, the choice of how to express or excercise his dominance is his and his alone. He shows his dominance in many ways to include giving orders to sexual dominance, to spankings, butt plug, nipple clamps, grounding, restriction, lines, and anything else he decides. He has certain expectations of me and fully expects me to live within those expectations. If I fail to live upto what he demands without his prior knowledge or at least a valid reason then he will exercise his right to correct that failure. The flip side of all that is a very positive side to him. He never fails to praise me when I have met or exceeded his desires. When he knows he has given me a difficult task and I succeed in that tasks he gives all the praise and extra priviledges. He shows me with love and compassion and understanding. He is stern yes, his punishments can be harsh yes, but his love for me is the most powerful aspect of his dominance.
He has never with held his love from me. Even when I have earned his wrath after I have suffered his punishment and thanked him for the discipline, he opens his arms to me and will let me cry out my pain and anguish. He comforts me and forgives me instantly after his chastisment and lets me know I am once again his good girl. He lets me know that no matter how angry he maybe at me, nothing I can do or say will ever stop or diminish his love for me. One of the ways he shows this is by making love to me after the punishment. Yes, it is a bit painful on the bottom etc, but it serves too purposes, 1) is that is futher drives home that I am his, I am owned by him, I as his to do with as he pleases, and nothing less than my full submission is acceptable, and 2) the most important reason is that he still loves me in the most intimate of ways--and that is between a husband and wife (not dominant and submissive). Through the snot and tears and swollen butt and breast he still finds me the most attractive thing on the face of the planet and he show me that all the time, especially after a rough spanking.
His dominance is hard to explain but it is always there. I can feel him when he walks into a room. There is something that changes in the air when comes into room. There is something I can't put into words that alerts me to his presence. I can't shake feeling him in a room I am already in and not look around to find him, and certainly I spy him.
Anyway, the changes that took place in me are now being reversed. I now take into account his needs as I once did. I try to be considerate of his needs, feelings, wants, and desires. I try to be polite, respectful, obedient, honest, because these are the things he is now demanding I be, things I once was and he wants back. I let him know of where abouts so as not to worry him. I wear what he chooses for me to wear and that includes my under things. Knowing my clothes and my intimates are what he desired me to wear that day keeps me in constant contact with the idea of who I belong too and just how much power he has over me. Knowing when in the bathroom he knows what is closest to my skin keeps me submissive in heart and thought. Knowing the dress and pumps I have on keeps my mind aware to be a lady which is what he expects me to be. Knowing my hair is like he wants it again reminds me that every aspect of me belongs to him and that I have willingly given all that I am to him.
The total power exchange that we have gone through was not easy. There were and still are some days and points and times that I struggle with him and with myself over things that we have settled. The exchange tho complete is still on going. Somethings that I struggle over are letting him know my whereabouts, not spending money out our joint account or my personal savings account without permission, not always getting approval on the underwear thing. Just because he doesn't always immediately do something about my slipping doesn't mean he has not noticed. He does notice but he will sometimes give me time to correct the behavior on my own and sometimes he goes for the restrictions or grounding instead of the spanking, it just depends on what he feels is best to deal with me. Part of this power exchange as given him an awareness of me that is sometimes scarry. I mean he can tell when something is bothering me, or when I need to discuss something, or when I am in a pondering mood. He will ask how am I doing. I say fine why. He says, you look (or sound or act) like something is bothering you or that there is something I need to talk about. He is right of course but he will give me time to gather my thoughts and to process my mood and feeling and emotions and then to approach him when I am ready. Sometimes, it can be days or evern weeks before I can get things in my head and he graciously gives me all the time I need. So long as I don't blow up at him or the kids before I talk with him, however, if I do blow up then he will sit me down and make me tell him what is going on. I then am faced with telling him what is going on in my head, and things get all jumbled up, and I end up raising my voice to him and he promptly stops me. He will ask, why am I yelling at him. I apologize but have earned a punishment for raising my voice to him, for blowing up at him and the kids, for not telling him what was wrong before I lost it. This is all part of him and his dominance, he can read my very moods, my tone of voice, my body language although not my mind (lucky me) but that doesn't matter because I am required to confess things to him anyway.
I have always loved him. I have always needed him (would never admit that before we began this journey). I have always respected him (never showed it too much). I have always wanted to be with and near him. Just now, traveling down this journey together I now have no fear in showing him or others just how much he means to me. The one thing that has brought all this out again is his stepping back into his role as Head of House and his natural state of Dominance. Yes, his dominance is a force to be reckoned with and I have on occassion done some reckoning with that force and there is no doubt I will meet that dominant force again. Lord I hope so.
Then slowly over the years for too many reasons to go into now, I began to realize that something changed in our dynamic. I began to test the waters and see just how much I could get away with. I started staying away from home. Oh, I didn't hang out at bars or anything, no I neglected the gift of my Husband for hanging out with my church sisters. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out with your girls, until hanging out with the girls become your number one goal. But, every so often He would complain about my not being at home and of course I would change my behavior briefly just to appease Him. But there was no true change, no true desire to put Him first as He should and had a right to be.
My man is by nature also very gentle, patient, quiet, reserved, intelligent, caring, nurturing, kind, understanding, peaceful, slow to anger, and loving. He doesn't have a mean streak or hateful bone in his body. Now because of this, most people think he is unassuming, a far cry from the truth. He is modest but he is very assured of his work and himself. He knows who he is and is comfortable with himself and his knowledge. Some people will bypass him, again thinking he is not worth their time. They soon find themselves wrong.
He has this air about him that lets people know just how far to go. The problem is that those who don't know him, will go past that point because they are not paying attention to the set of his jaw, his posture, or tone of voice. Then when he has reached his point he will cut the conversation off and walk away. If they continue to push he will politely and quietly tell them enough and walk off. If they insist on pursuing it he will then tell them all the things they didn't want to know but would let it go.
So what does this have to do with me and our relationship, everything. I have on one occasssion too many pushed past the point of no return. I quickly realized the error of my ways. But not always the way I expected or wanted. But in our relationship, the choice of how to express or excercise his dominance is his and his alone. He shows his dominance in many ways to include giving orders to sexual dominance, to spankings, butt plug, nipple clamps, grounding, restriction, lines, and anything else he decides. He has certain expectations of me and fully expects me to live within those expectations. If I fail to live upto what he demands without his prior knowledge or at least a valid reason then he will exercise his right to correct that failure. The flip side of all that is a very positive side to him. He never fails to praise me when I have met or exceeded his desires. When he knows he has given me a difficult task and I succeed in that tasks he gives all the praise and extra priviledges. He shows me with love and compassion and understanding. He is stern yes, his punishments can be harsh yes, but his love for me is the most powerful aspect of his dominance.
He has never with held his love from me. Even when I have earned his wrath after I have suffered his punishment and thanked him for the discipline, he opens his arms to me and will let me cry out my pain and anguish. He comforts me and forgives me instantly after his chastisment and lets me know I am once again his good girl. He lets me know that no matter how angry he maybe at me, nothing I can do or say will ever stop or diminish his love for me. One of the ways he shows this is by making love to me after the punishment. Yes, it is a bit painful on the bottom etc, but it serves too purposes, 1) is that is futher drives home that I am his, I am owned by him, I as his to do with as he pleases, and nothing less than my full submission is acceptable, and 2) the most important reason is that he still loves me in the most intimate of ways--and that is between a husband and wife (not dominant and submissive). Through the snot and tears and swollen butt and breast he still finds me the most attractive thing on the face of the planet and he show me that all the time, especially after a rough spanking.
His dominance is hard to explain but it is always there. I can feel him when he walks into a room. There is something that changes in the air when comes into room. There is something I can't put into words that alerts me to his presence. I can't shake feeling him in a room I am already in and not look around to find him, and certainly I spy him.
Anyway, the changes that took place in me are now being reversed. I now take into account his needs as I once did. I try to be considerate of his needs, feelings, wants, and desires. I try to be polite, respectful, obedient, honest, because these are the things he is now demanding I be, things I once was and he wants back. I let him know of where abouts so as not to worry him. I wear what he chooses for me to wear and that includes my under things. Knowing my clothes and my intimates are what he desired me to wear that day keeps me in constant contact with the idea of who I belong too and just how much power he has over me. Knowing when in the bathroom he knows what is closest to my skin keeps me submissive in heart and thought. Knowing the dress and pumps I have on keeps my mind aware to be a lady which is what he expects me to be. Knowing my hair is like he wants it again reminds me that every aspect of me belongs to him and that I have willingly given all that I am to him.
The total power exchange that we have gone through was not easy. There were and still are some days and points and times that I struggle with him and with myself over things that we have settled. The exchange tho complete is still on going. Somethings that I struggle over are letting him know my whereabouts, not spending money out our joint account or my personal savings account without permission, not always getting approval on the underwear thing. Just because he doesn't always immediately do something about my slipping doesn't mean he has not noticed. He does notice but he will sometimes give me time to correct the behavior on my own and sometimes he goes for the restrictions or grounding instead of the spanking, it just depends on what he feels is best to deal with me. Part of this power exchange as given him an awareness of me that is sometimes scarry. I mean he can tell when something is bothering me, or when I need to discuss something, or when I am in a pondering mood. He will ask how am I doing. I say fine why. He says, you look (or sound or act) like something is bothering you or that there is something I need to talk about. He is right of course but he will give me time to gather my thoughts and to process my mood and feeling and emotions and then to approach him when I am ready. Sometimes, it can be days or evern weeks before I can get things in my head and he graciously gives me all the time I need. So long as I don't blow up at him or the kids before I talk with him, however, if I do blow up then he will sit me down and make me tell him what is going on. I then am faced with telling him what is going on in my head, and things get all jumbled up, and I end up raising my voice to him and he promptly stops me. He will ask, why am I yelling at him. I apologize but have earned a punishment for raising my voice to him, for blowing up at him and the kids, for not telling him what was wrong before I lost it. This is all part of him and his dominance, he can read my very moods, my tone of voice, my body language although not my mind (lucky me) but that doesn't matter because I am required to confess things to him anyway.
I have always loved him. I have always needed him (would never admit that before we began this journey). I have always respected him (never showed it too much). I have always wanted to be with and near him. Just now, traveling down this journey together I now have no fear in showing him or others just how much he means to me. The one thing that has brought all this out again is his stepping back into his role as Head of House and his natural state of Dominance. Yes, his dominance is a force to be reckoned with and I have on occassion done some reckoning with that force and there is no doubt I will meet that dominant force again. Lord I hope so.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Gripes, moans, complaints
I don't understand why some women do what I call bitch, gripe, moan, and complain about their husband, boyfriend, significant other. He is who he is. If he is calm, relaxed, and naturally laid back, that is him, and you must accept him for he is. If he is a neat freak, then understand that everything has its place and he fully expects things to be properly put away, and nothing you do can change that. He is who is.
Now, can he change yes. The question then becomes do we give them time to change. Do we make demands of him that goes against the his natural tendencies? In other words, you have discovered you have a need and you want him to meet that need. That is not an unusual request. After all you are in a relationship (hopefully a longterm one) with him. You do what you can to meet his needs whatever those needs are. You do the best you can to ensure he is happy and satisfied. So yes, it is expected that he meet your needs as well. Relationships are mutually agreed upon right? Well, I suppose they are "contracted", he will do this that and the other if you do this. You will do this that and the other if he do this. But, you are not making a simple request of your man. You are not asking him to take you shopping. You are not asking him for a bigger house.
No, you are asking him to take control your life to some degree. You are asking him to regulate the actions of a fully functioning adult. You are asking him to set rules, guidelines, and limits for you, an adult more than capable of making adult decisions. An adult who should be able to set her own limits and operate within them. An adult who should be able to live within her own guidelines and rules. But not only do you want him to do this, you want him to set consequences for you for when you fail. Not only that, you want him to follow through with these consequences. In other words, you are yielding your right as an adult to live how you want to live in the manner you want to live or are you? No, you have chosen to give up your rights and this how you chose to live, but can you get him to live with you here?
Understand, this is foreign to him. This is something you have felt and needed and longed for. This is something you feel will make you a better you. This is something you need and you need him to meet this need. You have had months and perhaps years to come to terms with your need for someone else to take control and for that same someone to administer discipline when (not if but when) needed. Giving him time to come to terms what you are asking him is essential. You have suggested to your man that you want him to take control of you life. You want him to be control of not just the home but you as well. What? You are an adult and you just told this man you are willing to give up rights in order to follow him, something he was not prepared to hear and something that is foreign to him. Time he needs time to comprehend, understand, grasp, and to process what you want/need/desire. He needs time to figure out how to live this way with you.
So why is it so hard for some women to give their man time? I don't know. But what I do know is that it does upset me to read how these women speak about their mate. Typically, he is not consistant or he is not strong enough or I can easily manipulate him or I wish he was able to do this. I find these women centered on their need for control and displine and not trying to find a way or method to work toward some type of compromise that this lifestyle can work for them and their mate. It is such a beneficial lifestyle for both parties but it is difficult for one to fully grasp it when the other is constantly telling him that he is not doing this right.
What right? There is no right or wrong, it is what each individual couple determines will work for them. Simply because others are doing this lifestyle in a certain way, doesn't mean that is the only way. Yes, there maybe certain protocols but that too doesn't mean you have do things a certain way. Comparng your lifestyle to anothers way of practicing this lifestyle is going to do nothing but create contention in the relationship where there is already disagreement based on the needs of one partner. I am not saying to not have your needs met, but ease into this thing. Don't pounce on the man when he forgets or lets something slide or simply can't wrap his mind around spanking or control. Living this lifestyle is not any easier or harder than a "vanilla" relationship. There must be open and free communication without the name calling or blaming or pointing out failures or pointing fingers.
Damn, give the man a break.
I must apologize. I didn't intend this post to be a gripe but I had to write this here. This is the only place I can do this. I am a member of a board and the a handful of the women their do this. I can't respond to this on that board, as most of the women on that board don't get how we live and are not willing to accept our total power exchange and all that that means. I would never even consider speaking of my Dominant in the way they do. I find it extremely rude and disrespectful, but I would be flamed if I said of the things in this post on that board. I just had to get this out of my system. Thanks for reading.
Tori submissive to Big Daddy
Now, can he change yes. The question then becomes do we give them time to change. Do we make demands of him that goes against the his natural tendencies? In other words, you have discovered you have a need and you want him to meet that need. That is not an unusual request. After all you are in a relationship (hopefully a longterm one) with him. You do what you can to meet his needs whatever those needs are. You do the best you can to ensure he is happy and satisfied. So yes, it is expected that he meet your needs as well. Relationships are mutually agreed upon right? Well, I suppose they are "contracted", he will do this that and the other if you do this. You will do this that and the other if he do this. But, you are not making a simple request of your man. You are not asking him to take you shopping. You are not asking him for a bigger house.
No, you are asking him to take control your life to some degree. You are asking him to regulate the actions of a fully functioning adult. You are asking him to set rules, guidelines, and limits for you, an adult more than capable of making adult decisions. An adult who should be able to set her own limits and operate within them. An adult who should be able to live within her own guidelines and rules. But not only do you want him to do this, you want him to set consequences for you for when you fail. Not only that, you want him to follow through with these consequences. In other words, you are yielding your right as an adult to live how you want to live in the manner you want to live or are you? No, you have chosen to give up your rights and this how you chose to live, but can you get him to live with you here?
Understand, this is foreign to him. This is something you have felt and needed and longed for. This is something you feel will make you a better you. This is something you need and you need him to meet this need. You have had months and perhaps years to come to terms with your need for someone else to take control and for that same someone to administer discipline when (not if but when) needed. Giving him time to come to terms what you are asking him is essential. You have suggested to your man that you want him to take control of you life. You want him to be control of not just the home but you as well. What? You are an adult and you just told this man you are willing to give up rights in order to follow him, something he was not prepared to hear and something that is foreign to him. Time he needs time to comprehend, understand, grasp, and to process what you want/need/desire. He needs time to figure out how to live this way with you.
So why is it so hard for some women to give their man time? I don't know. But what I do know is that it does upset me to read how these women speak about their mate. Typically, he is not consistant or he is not strong enough or I can easily manipulate him or I wish he was able to do this. I find these women centered on their need for control and displine and not trying to find a way or method to work toward some type of compromise that this lifestyle can work for them and their mate. It is such a beneficial lifestyle for both parties but it is difficult for one to fully grasp it when the other is constantly telling him that he is not doing this right.
What right? There is no right or wrong, it is what each individual couple determines will work for them. Simply because others are doing this lifestyle in a certain way, doesn't mean that is the only way. Yes, there maybe certain protocols but that too doesn't mean you have do things a certain way. Comparng your lifestyle to anothers way of practicing this lifestyle is going to do nothing but create contention in the relationship where there is already disagreement based on the needs of one partner. I am not saying to not have your needs met, but ease into this thing. Don't pounce on the man when he forgets or lets something slide or simply can't wrap his mind around spanking or control. Living this lifestyle is not any easier or harder than a "vanilla" relationship. There must be open and free communication without the name calling or blaming or pointing out failures or pointing fingers.
Damn, give the man a break.
I must apologize. I didn't intend this post to be a gripe but I had to write this here. This is the only place I can do this. I am a member of a board and the a handful of the women their do this. I can't respond to this on that board, as most of the women on that board don't get how we live and are not willing to accept our total power exchange and all that that means. I would never even consider speaking of my Dominant in the way they do. I find it extremely rude and disrespectful, but I would be flamed if I said of the things in this post on that board. I just had to get this out of my system. Thanks for reading.
Tori submissive to Big Daddy
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
When The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Submit--a success story
Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 12:20 am Post subject: Contemplating on posting this
Yes, I have gone back and forth on posting this or not. So obviously I decided to post it. I am not seeking advice, I got that already. If you don't agree with anything I am saying that is fine, I am not looking for a debate on anything I am going to say. For those who are unaware, my Dom and my husband are the same person.
Let me say this, thanks to both Ros and Denise, you have been so great in getting me through this, you have no idea how greatful I am for you both. Submission is not always easy. Ok the situation is this: My brother in law got married tonight. First, who the heck gets married on a weeknight, honestly. There are solid reasons for how I felt about tonights festivities that 1) I have no intention of going into, and 2) I am forbidden to go into, so details will not be forth coming. Anyway, I knew about the wedding months ago. I told my Dom I was not going. I had no intentions of going. I my heart of hearts this wedding/marriage is wrong on so many levels and for so many reasons. I disagree with this wedding taking place and there is no way I am going to lend agreement with it by showing up. He knows exactly how I feel about my brother in law. You see my brother in law is his fraternal twin. They are so opposite in stature, facial features, attitudes, personality, capabilities, and every other aspect, you wouldn't think they were related let alone twins.
Anyway, so I am going along, content that my Dom knows EXACTLY how I feel about my brother in law. There has never been any doubt in his mind about. I was quite happy that I was not going to this wedding. My Dom said nothing for months then suddenly last week he began reminding of the wedding. I thought nothing about it, because in my mind I was not going. Now my Dom was the best man, I am so not in tune with things right now, I am thinking he is reminding me, that he will be gone most of the evening for the wedding. Right
Let me state this. I am who I am. I am the way I am regardless if it is his family or mine. Example: when I was a child my oldest brother got married to a woman I couldn't stand but was too young to understand the feelings. So 20 years later she divorces him, I think finally, she is out. Oh no, 18mths later, I get a wedding invitation they are getting remarried. I thought WTH!!! I called my parents and told them no way in the world was I going to attend that wedding. I disagreed with that wedding on some levels for so many reasons and I was going to lend agreement to it by attending. My mom was not happy but I was an adult, married with three kids, she could not force me to attend the wedding I deep within my heart was a wrong. So no, I did not go. My husband tried to talk me into it, but since at the time we were not in a DD or D/s I put my foot down, and said he could drive 12 hrs to a wedding that was a sham if he wanted to, but me and my kids were not going. So none us of went. I felt about the wedding tonight the way I felt about my brothers wedding then. BTW, after they got remarried, they divorced again 6mths later. WHAT!!! I told everyone they were going to divorce again and that was one (not the main) reason I was not going, it would be a waste of time.
Then Sunday night rolls around. I called my mother in law for something. She starts in about some programs I asked what programs, she says for the wedding. I said oh. She says are you coming, I started to say no, but before I coud she says there is excuse not to go. I thought to myself oh yes there is, I could list off at least a dozen why this wedding should not take place. So I asked what time was the wedding, no, I had no idea what time the wedding was because I had not planned on going. We hang up.
I walk into my bedroom and tell my Dom about the conversation. Then it happened. He was lying on the bed all comfortable. I saw him adjust himself to a sitting position, he body stiffened, his head went high, he face grew stern, and his voice low, calm, and very stern. He said "your husband is going and so are you." Then he went back to relaxing, watching tv, and generally chit chatting with me. I thought what the heck just happened, did he just order me to this wedding?
I said, no (I never say no unless it is in response to a question and the answer is no) I don't plan on going. I said, I didn't go to my own brothers wedding because of how I felt about it. I said, you know how I feel about him and this wedding. He didn't move an inch or bat an eye, he just stared at me for a brief few seconds (less than 10) and didn't mumble a single word. I knew then this was not up for debate. He didn't want to hear my arguements. He had made his decision and I was going to this wedding. I closed my mouth, lowered my eyes, and bowed my head, my physical of show submission. I was stuck going to something, in my heart of hearts, I didn't want to attend. I knew what was expected of me. Nothing short of my best behavior and an attitude of submission and I would show up for that wedding and help my mother in law in anyway I could. Plus, she had better not have to ask me for help.
This was very hard for me. Submission is well and good when it is easy and it is something I enjoy doing. Submision is well and good when it is easy and it is something I don't mind doing, even if I don't enjoy it. Submission is hard when it is something, I don't want to do, or something I find unpleasant. That is the test of my submission to him. That is how we judge how submissive I am and if I am truly his submissive.
So I prayed for my ability to submit to him in this and to be obedient in that I know he will expect from me. I went to the wedding for him and my now sister in law. I put a smile on my face. I did everything I could to make sure I was not the person who messed up her wedding. I found my mother in law afterwards and asked her what she needed help with. I did my part during the reception by serving and cleaning up and corralling kids.
I still feel the same about the wedding. But I was successful in submitting and obeying. He was very proud of me. He asked me while I was serving how I was doing. I said fine. He said ok, just checking on you. He smiled at me and went to mingle. My mother in law gave me a kiss on the cheek and said thanks for helping. My reward was two fold, my Dom was pleased and my mother in law was too. She is a very hard woman to please.
I know it is long and sorry. I know there are a lot out there who wont get this or understand or agree with it, and that is ok. I have said all along what we do is not for everyone, but it works for us. I can't just submit when I want to and don't when it doesn't suit me. I gave up that right last year when we began this journey. I am his. I belong to him. I have only the rights he gives me. Acts of submission are required and this one was big one and I passed with flying colors. His smile at me tonight was the greatest thing and I am happy I was able to please him in this.
Yes, I have gone back and forth on posting this or not. So obviously I decided to post it. I am not seeking advice, I got that already. If you don't agree with anything I am saying that is fine, I am not looking for a debate on anything I am going to say. For those who are unaware, my Dom and my husband are the same person.
Let me say this, thanks to both Ros and Denise, you have been so great in getting me through this, you have no idea how greatful I am for you both. Submission is not always easy. Ok the situation is this: My brother in law got married tonight. First, who the heck gets married on a weeknight, honestly. There are solid reasons for how I felt about tonights festivities that 1) I have no intention of going into, and 2) I am forbidden to go into, so details will not be forth coming. Anyway, I knew about the wedding months ago. I told my Dom I was not going. I had no intentions of going. I my heart of hearts this wedding/marriage is wrong on so many levels and for so many reasons. I disagree with this wedding taking place and there is no way I am going to lend agreement with it by showing up. He knows exactly how I feel about my brother in law. You see my brother in law is his fraternal twin. They are so opposite in stature, facial features, attitudes, personality, capabilities, and every other aspect, you wouldn't think they were related let alone twins.
Anyway, so I am going along, content that my Dom knows EXACTLY how I feel about my brother in law. There has never been any doubt in his mind about. I was quite happy that I was not going to this wedding. My Dom said nothing for months then suddenly last week he began reminding of the wedding. I thought nothing about it, because in my mind I was not going. Now my Dom was the best man, I am so not in tune with things right now, I am thinking he is reminding me, that he will be gone most of the evening for the wedding. Right
Let me state this. I am who I am. I am the way I am regardless if it is his family or mine. Example: when I was a child my oldest brother got married to a woman I couldn't stand but was too young to understand the feelings. So 20 years later she divorces him, I think finally, she is out. Oh no, 18mths later, I get a wedding invitation they are getting remarried. I thought WTH!!! I called my parents and told them no way in the world was I going to attend that wedding. I disagreed with that wedding on some levels for so many reasons and I was going to lend agreement to it by attending. My mom was not happy but I was an adult, married with three kids, she could not force me to attend the wedding I deep within my heart was a wrong. So no, I did not go. My husband tried to talk me into it, but since at the time we were not in a DD or D/s I put my foot down, and said he could drive 12 hrs to a wedding that was a sham if he wanted to, but me and my kids were not going. So none us of went. I felt about the wedding tonight the way I felt about my brothers wedding then. BTW, after they got remarried, they divorced again 6mths later. WHAT!!! I told everyone they were going to divorce again and that was one (not the main) reason I was not going, it would be a waste of time.
Then Sunday night rolls around. I called my mother in law for something. She starts in about some programs I asked what programs, she says for the wedding. I said oh. She says are you coming, I started to say no, but before I coud she says there is excuse not to go. I thought to myself oh yes there is, I could list off at least a dozen why this wedding should not take place. So I asked what time was the wedding, no, I had no idea what time the wedding was because I had not planned on going. We hang up.
I walk into my bedroom and tell my Dom about the conversation. Then it happened. He was lying on the bed all comfortable. I saw him adjust himself to a sitting position, he body stiffened, his head went high, he face grew stern, and his voice low, calm, and very stern. He said "your husband is going and so are you." Then he went back to relaxing, watching tv, and generally chit chatting with me. I thought what the heck just happened, did he just order me to this wedding?
I said, no (I never say no unless it is in response to a question and the answer is no) I don't plan on going. I said, I didn't go to my own brothers wedding because of how I felt about it. I said, you know how I feel about him and this wedding. He didn't move an inch or bat an eye, he just stared at me for a brief few seconds (less than 10) and didn't mumble a single word. I knew then this was not up for debate. He didn't want to hear my arguements. He had made his decision and I was going to this wedding. I closed my mouth, lowered my eyes, and bowed my head, my physical of show submission. I was stuck going to something, in my heart of hearts, I didn't want to attend. I knew what was expected of me. Nothing short of my best behavior and an attitude of submission and I would show up for that wedding and help my mother in law in anyway I could. Plus, she had better not have to ask me for help.
This was very hard for me. Submission is well and good when it is easy and it is something I enjoy doing. Submision is well and good when it is easy and it is something I don't mind doing, even if I don't enjoy it. Submission is hard when it is something, I don't want to do, or something I find unpleasant. That is the test of my submission to him. That is how we judge how submissive I am and if I am truly his submissive.
So I prayed for my ability to submit to him in this and to be obedient in that I know he will expect from me. I went to the wedding for him and my now sister in law. I put a smile on my face. I did everything I could to make sure I was not the person who messed up her wedding. I found my mother in law afterwards and asked her what she needed help with. I did my part during the reception by serving and cleaning up and corralling kids.
I still feel the same about the wedding. But I was successful in submitting and obeying. He was very proud of me. He asked me while I was serving how I was doing. I said fine. He said ok, just checking on you. He smiled at me and went to mingle. My mother in law gave me a kiss on the cheek and said thanks for helping. My reward was two fold, my Dom was pleased and my mother in law was too. She is a very hard woman to please.
I know it is long and sorry. I know there are a lot out there who wont get this or understand or agree with it, and that is ok. I have said all along what we do is not for everyone, but it works for us. I can't just submit when I want to and don't when it doesn't suit me. I gave up that right last year when we began this journey. I am his. I belong to him. I have only the rights he gives me. Acts of submission are required and this one was big one and I passed with flying colors. His smile at me tonight was the greatest thing and I am happy I was able to please him in this.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
IN RESPONSE
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time respond to me. I will try to answer them as best I can. I love to write. I love to write about the things that mean the most to me. I love my life and my husband. I write what I feel and think and in the most honesty and open way I can. I don't want anyone to be mislead or to give the wrong impression, but I just write how I feel. Thank you for being able to see the passion I have for this lifestyle and my marriage and my husband. A lot of people miss that and I end up either re-explaining things or getting frustrated.
The blog helps me to keep in perspective everything and let me put into words the emotions and feelings and thoughts floating in my head. Thanks for visiting my blog again. I really want it to be just informative but inviting as well. I figure if people want to look at porn they can do that on sites specifically designed for it. I want my blog to be viewed as more than a spanking blog, because it is so much more to this, than getting your hide tanned. For me, it is mental, this lifestyle makes me go deep into psyche and realize that I am more than a spanked wife. Yes, I would very much like for you to announce I am back. But, you may wish them to know we are D/s, (not BDSM--although we do practice some things) and that we utilize many/most elements of DD to add to and reinforce our lifestyle. I don't think I will be including any BDSM specific items to the blog, I don't want people to get the impression that DD or D/s must include BDSM because as you know it doesn't. D/s is how we relate to one another, while DD is what we use to keep things in order, and BDSM is how we sometimes relate sexually, does any of that make sense.
22 years WOW, that is truly amazing. We didn't even know there was such a thing. Honestly, the only person I have ever felt the desire to even remotely in the far reaches of my mind is my husband. I actually typically refer to him as my Dom, but some tend to think that rules how we "work" but we still a have marriage same as others, but we just "operate" within it differently. My man, has a quite presence about him. He just sits and watches things and people and then makes a choice rather or not they are someone he wants to get involved with. I must say, he has this uncanny knack to "size" people up and 9 out of 10 he is dead on the money. He will tell me if someone is full of themselves and is not someone he wishes to get to know better. He is extremely private about everything, that includes what goes on at work, at church, especially in our home. He will tell people what they need to know and if they press him for more, he will promptly tell them that is none of their business and to let the issue drop. If they persist, he will excuse himself and leave. I have seen this happen a few times, and thought, the other person was warned, they should have let it go. So, yeah, he is very authoritative. I have seen him angry at other men and it was not pretty. He managed to exercise great control not to become physical with the guy, but man did he give that guy the tongue lashing, it made me feel sorry for the other person, and glad it was not me. One other thing, I have always been aware of him when he walks into a room. But, now, I can't ignore that presence anymore, one because I must always acknowledge him, and two since beginning this I don't seem to have the "power" to do it anymore. This is getting to be longer than I expected. Sorry.
I will say this, When we first married, and for the first three years of our marriage, we were great. We had no idea about D/s or DD or BDSM. However, I never bucked at him and he never did spank or punish me. There was no need really. He would direct or command and I would follow and obey, that is just the way it was. Then we moved to his home town and I felt I had something to prove to his family and that is when things got out of place. I stepped into my alpha-female role. I am really not that submissive to others, I don't feel a need to be, and he doesn't expect me to. I am quite comfortable being the alpha-female but suppressed that when I was around him, until we moved to his home town. He waited patiently, for me to get tired of "leading" our family, (it took six years). He would from time to time, put his foot down, and I would "fly right" for a while. I would slip back into my alpha-female, and he would let it go for a while, he would express his maleness and then I would be me again for a while. A terrible long tiring tearfilled confusing six year cycle, that neither one of us was "happy" with, but didn't know how to break. He just let me have my run and get exhausted, I did just that.
I came to him one day, with the concept of DD. I researched. Actually, I liked spanking stories. I felt so comfortable pretending to be the "girl" in trouble. I thought one day, do people really live this way, because fiction tends to imitate life. I came across the LDD site and it the lights finally came on. I was not sick, or weird, or odd, or nasty, or a number of other things I called myself. I presented the idea to him showed some sites and some research and he took several days to mull it over and now a year later here we are. The dress. Yes, it solidified things mentally and emotionally for me. I don't know, things are so different now, but in the best of all possible ways. Oh, we are still finding our way in this, but our we so much more like it was when we first married, we are both happy and content again.
April is our wedding anniversary. It is the month I stopped fighting him and yielded to him in all things and it is the month he collared me. We had discussed a collaring when we began this journey. I am the one who brought it up, since I am the one who did the research, he said let him think about it. Well he thought about it for six months or so, and only gave me the answer I longed to here after the dress situation. I think it was a test of how much I would yield, you see he wants all and not just part, and my style and comfort zone was a part he knew would be hard. But, that one I passed and then he said order the collar and I did. Yes, it increased my feelings of completely belonging to him and being subjected to his authority. The collaring was just the two of us, no formal ceremony.
as_babe
Monday, April 9, 2007
Letting Go
Letting go is not always easy. Letting go is not always your first priority. Well at least for me it is very hard to let go. My Dom hit it on the head when He stated..."it is hard for you to not be in control." I said "yes, Big Daddy."
Why is letting go so hard? Well for me, I had so little control growing up, that when I did get a chance to have some control over me then I held on to that for dear life. I had no control over what I said, thought, felt, went my friends, college, dressed, absolutely nothing. My day was dictated from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. So why get involved in a lifestyle that would drive me back into that situation? My life needs structure. I realized, well better yet, I admitted to myself, I need structure, but I am not self-disciplined enough to do it and stick to it myself. Quite sad really for a 40 year old woman. But, if you need meds for your health then you take meds. I view my lifestyle the same way. I need some outside influence to put and enforce structure in my life and my D/s lifestyle with my Dom provides that.
So what am I letting go of now. My preference to style of dress. No I don't prefer dresses. I feel most like me when I am in a nicepair of low-ride, boot cut, form fitting blue jeans. Now, add to that some big hoopy ear rings and a pair of cowboy boots and top it off with a plain white t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. That is me in a nut shell. No make up. My Dom prefers me in a dress, form fitting of course. A pair of either dressy sandals or high heeled dressy shoes, some lipstick and a nice hair do that hangs to my shoulders with my naturally wavy and curly hair or a hair piece in that matches my natural hair with some brownish streaks. This is not me at all. I am not a girly girl and I am not at all comfortable with this look. But, this is not my choice it is His and His alone and mine is to submit and obey.
So comes Easter. We go shopping. He gets a really nice three piece burnt orange with pin stripes suit. He then instructs me to a dress and shoes, the whole nine. I know what He is wanting me to buy, but I am fighting myself and I suppose Him. Oh, I will not out right defy Him (not unless I want my tail end blistered), but I did not want to get the dress He wanted, well the type of dress. Now the shoes--well I love shoes and that was not an issue. I already had picked out several different types and styles of shoes based on color that would give me a variety of options in a color of dress. Plus, the shoes would also match items already in my closet.
He made arrangements with the hair dresser for me to get my hair done. He had already explained what style He wanted. He then called me and told me the day and time of my appointment. He knew I would not miss it and that I would get exactly what He was paying for. Yes, He gave me the money to pay for not just the hair piece but also the cost of "setting" in her chair. So the piece is wavy black with brown streaks and is shoulder length of course. I have gotten rave reviews on my hair and of course I tell everyone that He selected the style, and made the appointment and paid for it all, everyone is is impressed. In fact my Dom has excellent taste, impeccable taste and knows exactly what "I want my wife to look like." Do I really like the style, honestly, not really. Why? Again I prefer ponytails but this isn't about me is it? No! He is my Dom and it is about my obeying and putting His needs, wants and desires before mine. Therefore, I will wear it, no complaints, and be grateful God has given me someone who always wants me to look my best not just to Him but to the outside world too. By the way I had my eyebrows done too. I love having my eyebrows done.
I got these orange strappy three inch heels that looked absolutely fabulous on me. Yes, He was quite pleased with them. I do tend to like "hooker" shoes.
Now the part I truly struggled with. THE DRESS. He wanted me to get a nice "sexy" dress. When I say "sexy" I mean something that for me would never come off the rack much less be on my body for others to see. So, I returned from shopping with nothing. On the ride home, I am thinking and trying not to cry, that he is going to be disappointed, not mad but not happy either. I spent more than 4 hours driving all over town and a couple of close by cities and had nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank.
I pull into the driveway and no dress and he frowns. He says, you didn't get anything? I said no, BigDaddy. Why? Because, nothing looked appropriate for church. He walked off. I went into our room and sat on the bed and cried. He was so disappointed in my not getting the dress. Now, I saw several he would have approved of but nothing I felt comfortable in. So in comes into the bedroom and sits down. He says, didn't you see anything. I asked permission to talk freely. He said, yes. I said, actually I found several that you would have liked but nothing I would dare ware to church. They made me uncomfortable and I can't stand in front of the church and sing with those dresses on. He said, fine, tomorrow we will go shopping. My heart sank. I thought when he said fine, that then I could go get something I wanted.
So Saturday morning we get up feed the kids and leave for the mall. I took him to the stores I saw the dresses. The first few he didn't like. Then I took him to the mall. I took him the a store called Debs. I showed him several of the dresses I had seen. But he looked around the store. He selected a couple of dresses that he liked and made me cringe. But I obediently tried each on. He put them all back. He then selected an orange dress that had gathers in front and medium sized diamond design in the center of the chest covered with rhinestones. It is backless, with two tie strings around the neck and of course is sleeveless. He liked the way it fit and bought it. He asked if I liked it. I said it is a nice party dress. He said it is not for a party. I said, I know. I then asked if I could at least purchase a nice sweater to wear over it. He agreed. We searched and I found a nice white one that was short waisted and tied at the bust.
So off to church we go Easter Sunday Morning. I of course have one the dress, the sweater, and the shoes (which I love). Anyway, I paste on this smile. I am very uncomfortable in the dress. We get to church and everyone just loves the dress. I get more relaxed. I eventually get to the point where I am comfortable in the outfit my Dom has picked out. I think OK, it is not as bad as I thought.
The lesson learned here is this. It doesn't matter what others think, only what my Dom thinks. I have learned to trust his judgement in all things. Yes, my mind and heart was set at ease when those I thought would judge me didn't. But, the point is that I should have trusted him, when he said that people will like the dress. I should have trusted his judgement to only make me look my best. I should have trust Him.
I can't describe how I felt being pushed passed my limits of what is appropriate and what is not. He took me beyond what I think about how I dress, he took me beyond what I think others think about how I dress, to the realm of what he thinks about the way I dress. He brought me beyond my comfort zone into his realm of control. I am comfortable in low rise jeans, boots, and a plane white t-shirt. I am now just as comfortable in a skirt, long or short, dresses any length and style. Yes, I dress for him. Yes, I wear what he wants. Yes, he selects my clothes daily. Yes, I must present him a selection of panties/bras and he decides which one I wear. Yes, I must ask permission to wear pants.
Letting go is not easy. I still have long way to go. There are days I just want to say, I want my pants. I want my comfortable big girl panties. I want, I want, I want. But again this is not about me is it. But, it is about me. He only wants what is best for me. He only wants me to look nice for him. He only wants the world to see me at my best. It was indeed an exchange of power for me. Me giving up the control of what I want to wear to wearing what he approves of for me to wear. I am aware not many if any will understand this but it is a major step for me to relinquish this level of control to him.
A'sBabe
Why is letting go so hard? Well for me, I had so little control growing up, that when I did get a chance to have some control over me then I held on to that for dear life. I had no control over what I said, thought, felt, went my friends, college, dressed, absolutely nothing. My day was dictated from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. So why get involved in a lifestyle that would drive me back into that situation? My life needs structure. I realized, well better yet, I admitted to myself, I need structure, but I am not self-disciplined enough to do it and stick to it myself. Quite sad really for a 40 year old woman. But, if you need meds for your health then you take meds. I view my lifestyle the same way. I need some outside influence to put and enforce structure in my life and my D/s lifestyle with my Dom provides that.
So what am I letting go of now. My preference to style of dress. No I don't prefer dresses. I feel most like me when I am in a nicepair of low-ride, boot cut, form fitting blue jeans. Now, add to that some big hoopy ear rings and a pair of cowboy boots and top it off with a plain white t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. That is me in a nut shell. No make up. My Dom prefers me in a dress, form fitting of course. A pair of either dressy sandals or high heeled dressy shoes, some lipstick and a nice hair do that hangs to my shoulders with my naturally wavy and curly hair or a hair piece in that matches my natural hair with some brownish streaks. This is not me at all. I am not a girly girl and I am not at all comfortable with this look. But, this is not my choice it is His and His alone and mine is to submit and obey.
So comes Easter. We go shopping. He gets a really nice three piece burnt orange with pin stripes suit. He then instructs me to a dress and shoes, the whole nine. I know what He is wanting me to buy, but I am fighting myself and I suppose Him. Oh, I will not out right defy Him (not unless I want my tail end blistered), but I did not want to get the dress He wanted, well the type of dress. Now the shoes--well I love shoes and that was not an issue. I already had picked out several different types and styles of shoes based on color that would give me a variety of options in a color of dress. Plus, the shoes would also match items already in my closet.
He made arrangements with the hair dresser for me to get my hair done. He had already explained what style He wanted. He then called me and told me the day and time of my appointment. He knew I would not miss it and that I would get exactly what He was paying for. Yes, He gave me the money to pay for not just the hair piece but also the cost of "setting" in her chair. So the piece is wavy black with brown streaks and is shoulder length of course. I have gotten rave reviews on my hair and of course I tell everyone that He selected the style, and made the appointment and paid for it all, everyone is is impressed. In fact my Dom has excellent taste, impeccable taste and knows exactly what "I want my wife to look like." Do I really like the style, honestly, not really. Why? Again I prefer ponytails but this isn't about me is it? No! He is my Dom and it is about my obeying and putting His needs, wants and desires before mine. Therefore, I will wear it, no complaints, and be grateful God has given me someone who always wants me to look my best not just to Him but to the outside world too. By the way I had my eyebrows done too. I love having my eyebrows done.
I got these orange strappy three inch heels that looked absolutely fabulous on me. Yes, He was quite pleased with them. I do tend to like "hooker" shoes.
Now the part I truly struggled with. THE DRESS. He wanted me to get a nice "sexy" dress. When I say "sexy" I mean something that for me would never come off the rack much less be on my body for others to see. So, I returned from shopping with nothing. On the ride home, I am thinking and trying not to cry, that he is going to be disappointed, not mad but not happy either. I spent more than 4 hours driving all over town and a couple of close by cities and had nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank.
I pull into the driveway and no dress and he frowns. He says, you didn't get anything? I said no, BigDaddy. Why? Because, nothing looked appropriate for church. He walked off. I went into our room and sat on the bed and cried. He was so disappointed in my not getting the dress. Now, I saw several he would have approved of but nothing I felt comfortable in. So in comes into the bedroom and sits down. He says, didn't you see anything. I asked permission to talk freely. He said, yes. I said, actually I found several that you would have liked but nothing I would dare ware to church. They made me uncomfortable and I can't stand in front of the church and sing with those dresses on. He said, fine, tomorrow we will go shopping. My heart sank. I thought when he said fine, that then I could go get something I wanted.
So Saturday morning we get up feed the kids and leave for the mall. I took him to the stores I saw the dresses. The first few he didn't like. Then I took him to the mall. I took him the a store called Debs. I showed him several of the dresses I had seen. But he looked around the store. He selected a couple of dresses that he liked and made me cringe. But I obediently tried each on. He put them all back. He then selected an orange dress that had gathers in front and medium sized diamond design in the center of the chest covered with rhinestones. It is backless, with two tie strings around the neck and of course is sleeveless. He liked the way it fit and bought it. He asked if I liked it. I said it is a nice party dress. He said it is not for a party. I said, I know. I then asked if I could at least purchase a nice sweater to wear over it. He agreed. We searched and I found a nice white one that was short waisted and tied at the bust.
So off to church we go Easter Sunday Morning. I of course have one the dress, the sweater, and the shoes (which I love). Anyway, I paste on this smile. I am very uncomfortable in the dress. We get to church and everyone just loves the dress. I get more relaxed. I eventually get to the point where I am comfortable in the outfit my Dom has picked out. I think OK, it is not as bad as I thought.
The lesson learned here is this. It doesn't matter what others think, only what my Dom thinks. I have learned to trust his judgement in all things. Yes, my mind and heart was set at ease when those I thought would judge me didn't. But, the point is that I should have trusted him, when he said that people will like the dress. I should have trusted his judgement to only make me look my best. I should have trust Him.
I can't describe how I felt being pushed passed my limits of what is appropriate and what is not. He took me beyond what I think about how I dress, he took me beyond what I think others think about how I dress, to the realm of what he thinks about the way I dress. He brought me beyond my comfort zone into his realm of control. I am comfortable in low rise jeans, boots, and a plane white t-shirt. I am now just as comfortable in a skirt, long or short, dresses any length and style. Yes, I dress for him. Yes, I wear what he wants. Yes, he selects my clothes daily. Yes, I must present him a selection of panties/bras and he decides which one I wear. Yes, I must ask permission to wear pants.
Letting go is not easy. I still have long way to go. There are days I just want to say, I want my pants. I want my comfortable big girl panties. I want, I want, I want. But again this is not about me is it. But, it is about me. He only wants what is best for me. He only wants me to look nice for him. He only wants the world to see me at my best. It was indeed an exchange of power for me. Me giving up the control of what I want to wear to wearing what he approves of for me to wear. I am aware not many if any will understand this but it is a major step for me to relinquish this level of control to him.
A'sBabe
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Collared and Cuffed
Having desired to be collared and cuffed for sometime now, I finally got up the nerve to approach my Spouse. Our relationship has taken many turns over the last 11 yrs until we are at this point. Although first and foremost He is my Spouse, He has now officially become my Dom and yes, we still have a marriage, but now it has expanded into ways and areas that can’t be fully explained unless you have gone through the transformation. I think He has agreed and readily accepts my being collared because now my mindset, headspace, heart, attitude, behavior, soul, and body are in the place of submission (not perfect) but willingly given and graciously accepted. The power exchange not absolutely complete but no longer in a state 
of rebellion.
So I researched and looked for pieces. I came across the link for Arabesque from another site. I first looked at it because it “specified” non-piercing jewelry. You can get the look without the pain. I showed the site to my Dom, He loved many of the pieces. But I really wanted something different and unique. Not just a day collar but something that could be dressed up for church, a formal, a night on the town, and work. But on the flip side needed something that could work with jean day on Friday at work or a stroll through the local mall. I am not into chains or link type jewelry but the site has some very nice pieces. So I did (my Dom) designed a piece but for a few reasons it just isn’t feasible at this time. However, greatly disappointed in that, but Master Bud and debadbunny sent me pics of two pieces they had in house. The one was stunning but the other floored me. I mean it was similar in design to my custom pieces and looked perfect for my needs.
I showed the two pics to my Dom without telling Him my preference. It was with great relief when He asked which one I liked the most. I selected the one shown here. I contacted Master Bud and debadbunny and began making arrangements for the pieces to be prepared and shipped and all that entails. We my Dom and I actually went in ½ for the expense because I was actually the one that requested to be collared and cuffed beyond our wedding rings. He said but since He agreed to the collaring and cuffing that I could take part out of the household account and I did. Anyway, everything seemed to just fall into place from the expense (well worth it and beyond) to the shipping to the arrival which in fact was several days earlier than I had anticipated. He was off work the day the package arrived and called me to let know it was there. I asked if He had opened it to look at them and He said. I asked why? He said these are for you and it is your place to open them and to see them first. I almost cried over the phone.
So I got off work early and called Him to tell Him so. I get home say my hello’s and look for the package that He had placed on the kitchen table. I gently opened the package and pulled the letter from it and read it to myself and then aloud to Him. I pulled out the other inserts and browsed through them and waited for Him to finish His home improvement project. Finally, He stopped and looked at me; I then opened the shimmering shiny silver box that was so nicely bound by a thin stretchy silver band tied to a sweet innocent bow. I removed the top layer of cottony material used to protect the pieces, and instantly my mouth flew opened when I first glanced at the cuffs. I was stunned into silence by sheer brilliance and “glow” of the two pieces and the connecting chain. My Dom said well, I looked up at Him and tipped the box forward for Him to look down and He said WOW, those are very pretty. Too shiny, makes you want to keep them there (in the box) forever, I said yes Big Daddy, I know. So I gently laid them aside on the couch beside me and then removed the second layer of protection and saw the collar and had to do all I could to keep from crying. I was so overwhelmed at the workmanship and obvious care that it took to hand create something so absolutely gorgeous. Something that some stranger picked from a “line up” and could wear, no would wear with gratitude for her Dom allowing her to select the pieces that would represent their relationship to no one else but the two of them. To the outside world they are just beautiful jewelry. But to us they represent the world we have chosen to live in, the lifestyle we have evolved into, and comfort that we gain from our new found and deeper trust, love, understanding, passion, and wonder that anything could be as fulfilling as D/s.
So we had planned the collaring and cuffing for Saturday night 3/24/2007 but that didn’t happen, simply because well, adult life got in the way. So we agreed on Sunday night 3/25/2007. There was no big ceremony or anything. In fact we didn’t have even just something between the two of us. He simply stated, I thought you wanted to get collared tonight. I said yes I did Big Daddy. He said, then let’s do it. I got up and got the box and handed it to Him. We sat there a few moments admiring the workmanship again and He got the pliers and put on the collar fastened the semi-permanent link and it was done. I got overwhelmed again emotionally because of the sheer magnitude of what just happened but also by the beauty of the piece and the care that went into selecting something that was so me without even really knowing me. Master Bud and debadbunny did an excellent job in choosing a piece that so fit me not just my physical dimension but my personal ones as well. Then my Dom took one cuff and put it on and then other and fastened it as well. I just sat there from the magnitude and finality of the “event”. I was always His and His alone. We have been married for 10yrs but now, to be collared to have an item that represents His “ownership” something that He and He alone can remove it amazing. It puts one in a whole new mindset. I of course don’t remove my wedding rings (although I can) but I can’t remove the collar and yes I can remove the cuffs I won’t. I have been cuffed and collared since 3/25/2007 and would not change it for the world. I have the most exquisite pieces around my neck and wrists I can’t imagine going anywhere else for my intimate pieces knowing the care, quality, and workmanship that goes it the design and selections available. There is something for everyone who has a mind to find something that simply speaks you. Thank you to my Dom for your graciousness and to both Master Bud and debadbunny for helping me, we make a desire come true. You made it happen with grace and style. Again, I thank you.
of rebellion.So I researched and looked for pieces. I came across the link for Arabesque from another site. I first looked at it because it “specified” non-piercing jewelry. You can get the look without the pain. I showed the site to my Dom, He loved many of the pieces. But I really wanted something different and unique. Not just a day collar but something that could be dressed up for church, a formal, a night on the town, and work. But on the flip side needed something that could work with jean day on Friday at work or a stroll through the local mall. I am not into chains or link type jewelry but the site has some very nice pieces. So I did (my Dom) designed a piece but for a few reasons it just isn’t feasible at this time. However, greatly disappointed in that, but Master Bud and debadbunny sent me pics of two pieces they had in house. The one was stunning but the other floored me. I mean it was similar in design to my custom pieces and looked perfect for my needs.
I showed the two pics to my Dom without telling Him my preference. It was with great relief when He asked which one I liked the most. I selected the one shown here. I contacted Master Bud and debadbunny and began making arrangements for the pieces to be prepared and shipped and all that entails. We my Dom and I actually went in ½ for the expense because I was actually the one that requested to be collared and cuffed beyond our wedding rings. He said but since He agreed to the collaring and cuffing that I could take part out of the household account and I did. Anyway, everything seemed to just fall into place from the expense (well worth it and beyond) to the shipping to the arrival which in fact was several days earlier than I had anticipated. He was off work the day the package arrived and called me to let know it was there. I asked if He had opened it to look at them and He said. I asked why? He said these are for you and it is your place to open them and to see them first. I almost cried over the phone.
So I got off work early and called Him to tell Him so. I get home say my hello’s and look for the package that He had placed on the kitchen table. I gently opened the package and pulled the letter from it and read it to myself and then aloud to Him. I pulled out the other inserts and browsed through them and waited for Him to finish His home improvement project. Finally, He stopped and looked at me; I then opened the shimmering shiny silver box that was so nicely bound by a thin stretchy silver band tied to a sweet innocent bow. I removed the top layer of cottony material used to protect the pieces, and instantly my mouth flew opened when I first glanced at the cuffs. I was stunned into silence by sheer brilliance and “glow” of the two pieces and the connecting chain. My Dom said well, I looked up at Him and tipped the box forward for Him to look down and He said WOW, those are very pretty. Too shiny, makes you want to keep them there (in the box) forever, I said yes Big Daddy, I know. So I gently laid them aside on the couch beside me and then removed the second layer of protection and saw the collar and had to do all I could to keep from crying. I was so overwhelmed at the workmanship and obvious care that it took to hand create something so absolutely gorgeous. Something that some stranger picked from a “line up” and could wear, no would wear with gratitude for her Dom allowing her to select the pieces that would represent their relationship to no one else but the two of them. To the outside world they are just beautiful jewelry. But to us they represent the world we have chosen to live in, the lifestyle we have evolved into, and comfort that we gain from our new found and deeper trust, love, understanding, passion, and wonder that anything could be as fulfilling as D/s.
So we had planned the collaring and cuffing for Saturday night 3/24/2007 but that didn’t happen, simply because well, adult life got in the way. So we agreed on Sunday night 3/25/2007. There was no big ceremony or anything. In fact we didn’t have even just something between the two of us. He simply stated, I thought you wanted to get collared tonight. I said yes I did Big Daddy. He said, then let’s do it. I got up and got the box and handed it to Him. We sat there a few moments admiring the workmanship again and He got the pliers and put on the collar fastened the semi-permanent link and it was done. I got overwhelmed again emotionally because of the sheer magnitude of what just happened but also by the beauty of the piece and the care that went into selecting something that was so me without even really knowing me. Master Bud and debadbunny did an excellent job in choosing a piece that so fit me not just my physical dimension but my personal ones as well. Then my Dom took one cuff and put it on and then other and fastened it as well. I just sat there from the magnitude and finality of the “event”. I was always His and His alone. We have been married for 10yrs but now, to be collared to have an item that represents His “ownership” something that He and He alone can remove it amazing. It puts one in a whole new mindset. I of course don’t remove my wedding rings (although I can) but I can’t remove the collar and yes I can remove the cuffs I won’t. I have been cuffed and collared since 3/25/2007 and would not change it for the world. I have the most exquisite pieces around my neck and wrists I can’t imagine going anywhere else for my intimate pieces knowing the care, quality, and workmanship that goes it the design and selections available. There is something for everyone who has a mind to find something that simply speaks you. Thank you to my Dom for your graciousness and to both Master Bud and debadbunny for helping me, we make a desire come true. You made it happen with grace and style. Again, I thank you.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Relinquishing Control
Wow, talking about a power exchange. This is a hard for me. I am the ultimate control freak. I mean really and honestly. I will fight to be in control, but with our new dynamic I am being taught to give up all control. Again, I am not a doormat or a slave, but I am His helpmate and He mine.
At the beginning of our marriage, He took precedence with me above all else, not to the mutual exclusion of everything. Then over the years, feeling the need to make sure I was just as important as He, I began to wrestle some, no most, no in reality all that I had so willingly given Him before without thought or hesitation away from Him. Why, because I felt and imagined there to be some inequities in our relationship. Real or not, they were my perception of how things were going and that made them real enough for and to me. So, how did I get there from where I was? His family. I felt since we had moved to His home town, and I knew absolutely NO ONE, I had to show everyone, that I was in command of my home. Stupid, I know. He always gave me free reign as long as I didn’t step over our preset boundaries that we had agreed upon the day we married. You, know the day we said I do. You know those wedding vows.
I am the one that lost sight of them. I am the one that let my insecurities run away with me and almost messed up the best thing to happen to me since the Salvation of my soul. He continued to not only tell me but to show me He loved me. He never stopped expressing that I was the most important thing in His world, and what the outside world thought or felt, didn’t amount to a hill of beans. He always said “Babe, what my mom and sister think don’t matter. What my brothers feel doesn’t matter. So forget about what they are saying. I love you and always have and always will. As long as you keep me happy that is all that matters.” The problem is, is that I knew deep in my heart He wasn’t as happy as I knew He use to be. And it was my entire fault. OK, yes, He could have at anytime said, “Babe, you are going too far and you doing too much and you are saying too much.” Oh, wait He did say all those things. I would change for a little while just to appease Him, but there was no real change and eventually, I would slip back into my old new role, of Master Of My Family. So, what has made the change?
Discipline. Yes, I said Discipline. No, I am not crazy or insane. I thought about, what for years I was missing and wanting and deeply desiring. Then it hit me like a ton of stupid rocks. Every aspect of my life had accountability, enforced accountability. Everything but my marriage. Oh, sure I had my vows, but I needed those to be enforced. Love-not a problem. Honor-not too big an issue. Respect-not an issue. Obey-now there is the problem. I have always loved Him and respected Him and occasionally honored Him. But obey, what obey, I haven’t obeyed anyone since I moved from my parent’s home. But that is not true is it. I obey the laws of the land. I obey the laws that govern my religion. I obey the laws at work. I obey the laws of our church. Shoot, I even obey mostly obey the laws of my healthy eating life style. You see, I can obey, but there was just nothing at home. So, I researched and found amazing things on the internet about Discipline and set my mind to present this to Him. I did it. I got the nerve up and showed Him what I had been researching for quite sometime and reading and thinking about. He thought about it too and agreed to give it a try. We have tried it and it works for us, it works.
So, what am I talking about? I am talking about His using various methods of discipline on me to more or less keep me in check. I am talking about Him limiting the nights I can be away from home. I am talking about Him restricting the amount of time I can spend on the computer. I am talking about Him selecting what I will wear for the day. I am talking about Him selecting what type of panties I wear. I am talking about Him setting my bedtime. I am talking about Him limiting what I spend out of our account. I am talking about informing Him of my daily plans. I am talking about informing Him when I broke a preset rule, rather deliberately or unintentionally. I am talking about submitting to His every sexual desire no matter what He wants without question. I am talking about doing whatever He ask, whenever He ask, however He ask, without arguing. I am talking about our relationship being 51% Him and 49% me. In other words, He is the Head of the House and I am His helpmate to keep that house. The power exchange took place and I have never been happier. It is like being newly weds again, because I have rediscovered what I almost destroyed in my quest to be me. You see, He never asked me not to be me, you know the me He married all those years ago. I am the one who became this unknown wife and person, that I didn’t even recognize my own self. I wasn’t too happy with my self and haven’t been for a long time, I just didn’t know how to find me. But through discipline I have found the me I lost, and it is good to be HOME.
At the beginning of our marriage, He took precedence with me above all else, not to the mutual exclusion of everything. Then over the years, feeling the need to make sure I was just as important as He, I began to wrestle some, no most, no in reality all that I had so willingly given Him before without thought or hesitation away from Him. Why, because I felt and imagined there to be some inequities in our relationship. Real or not, they were my perception of how things were going and that made them real enough for and to me. So, how did I get there from where I was? His family. I felt since we had moved to His home town, and I knew absolutely NO ONE, I had to show everyone, that I was in command of my home. Stupid, I know. He always gave me free reign as long as I didn’t step over our preset boundaries that we had agreed upon the day we married. You, know the day we said I do. You know those wedding vows.
I am the one that lost sight of them. I am the one that let my insecurities run away with me and almost messed up the best thing to happen to me since the Salvation of my soul. He continued to not only tell me but to show me He loved me. He never stopped expressing that I was the most important thing in His world, and what the outside world thought or felt, didn’t amount to a hill of beans. He always said “Babe, what my mom and sister think don’t matter. What my brothers feel doesn’t matter. So forget about what they are saying. I love you and always have and always will. As long as you keep me happy that is all that matters.” The problem is, is that I knew deep in my heart He wasn’t as happy as I knew He use to be. And it was my entire fault. OK, yes, He could have at anytime said, “Babe, you are going too far and you doing too much and you are saying too much.” Oh, wait He did say all those things. I would change for a little while just to appease Him, but there was no real change and eventually, I would slip back into my old new role, of Master Of My Family. So, what has made the change?
Discipline. Yes, I said Discipline. No, I am not crazy or insane. I thought about, what for years I was missing and wanting and deeply desiring. Then it hit me like a ton of stupid rocks. Every aspect of my life had accountability, enforced accountability. Everything but my marriage. Oh, sure I had my vows, but I needed those to be enforced. Love-not a problem. Honor-not too big an issue. Respect-not an issue. Obey-now there is the problem. I have always loved Him and respected Him and occasionally honored Him. But obey, what obey, I haven’t obeyed anyone since I moved from my parent’s home. But that is not true is it. I obey the laws of the land. I obey the laws that govern my religion. I obey the laws at work. I obey the laws of our church. Shoot, I even obey mostly obey the laws of my healthy eating life style. You see, I can obey, but there was just nothing at home. So, I researched and found amazing things on the internet about Discipline and set my mind to present this to Him. I did it. I got the nerve up and showed Him what I had been researching for quite sometime and reading and thinking about. He thought about it too and agreed to give it a try. We have tried it and it works for us, it works.
So, what am I talking about? I am talking about His using various methods of discipline on me to more or less keep me in check. I am talking about Him limiting the nights I can be away from home. I am talking about Him restricting the amount of time I can spend on the computer. I am talking about Him selecting what I will wear for the day. I am talking about Him selecting what type of panties I wear. I am talking about Him setting my bedtime. I am talking about Him limiting what I spend out of our account. I am talking about informing Him of my daily plans. I am talking about informing Him when I broke a preset rule, rather deliberately or unintentionally. I am talking about submitting to His every sexual desire no matter what He wants without question. I am talking about doing whatever He ask, whenever He ask, however He ask, without arguing. I am talking about our relationship being 51% Him and 49% me. In other words, He is the Head of the House and I am His helpmate to keep that house. The power exchange took place and I have never been happier. It is like being newly weds again, because I have rediscovered what I almost destroyed in my quest to be me. You see, He never asked me not to be me, you know the me He married all those years ago. I am the one who became this unknown wife and person, that I didn’t even recognize my own self. I wasn’t too happy with my self and haven’t been for a long time, I just didn’t know how to find me. But through discipline I have found the me I lost, and it is good to be HOME.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Submission
What submission is not. It is not to be a doormat for the other person. It is not to be ignored or tossed aside. It is not to have my opinions and thoughts given to me by someone else. It is not my lack of power.
So, then what is submission. Submission to me is to recognize and accept His authority over me. It is to put His needs first. It is to ensure that there is peace in the home. It is to yield my power to him. It is an exchange of power. It is His control over our home and yes me. It is for me to accept His decisions as final. It is in my giving up control and power that I have gained control and have been empowered in ways I have only dreamed about.
I no longer have to fight for a place in our relationship. I have a place that was designed by God and in my submitting to the Head of our home my place is easy to find. I am His help mate. I am here to assist Him in making our home a safe, peaceful, loving, kind, stress free home. How? You see, I don't have to fight to be the Head anymore because I have relinquished that fight. I don't have to fight against the outside world anymore, because as the natural Head He is ready and more than capable of protecting me from the world. In my giving up the fight to stand in front and to accept my place by his side, He wraps His arms around me and pulls me close to his heart and keeps me safe in them. I am fully protected now. You see since I am no longer in front, when the world comes to knock me down, He can react quicker to my protection by gently pushing me behind Him, instead of having to come from behind me to step up beside me to then shoving me behind Him to protect me. I am not vulnerable by giving up power, but I am easily protected by letting Him have the power. I find in my submission peace and comfort in the role I was created to fulfill.
You have to be a strong person to begin with to give up the power I am talking about. My Dom doesn't want me to be a Stepford Wife. No, He wants me to be me, just with the understanding I am not in charge. If I had an inferiority complex, this would not work for Him. Why? Because, there would be no exchange of power. I would just roll over and let Him walk all over me. That is not what He wants. He loves my tenacity, my drive, my will power, my strenth, my fight, my thought processess, my ability to out think the current situation, my multi-tasking, my stubborness, all that makes my personality what it is and who I am, He loves. What He didn't love is when I would turn the skills and abilities on and against Him. That is what my submission to Him prevents. My submission reminds me that those things He loves about me are never to be used as a tool/weapon toward and especially against Him. I am to use myself to make our we a better us. I am to use myself to help Him be all that He can be and in return that helps His home to be all that it can be. It is a circle that should never be broken by failing to recognize and understand our respective roles. Things, home/life/marriage/careers/church all go a lot smoother when we opporate within our respective roles as we feel designed by God, and that role for me is as His submissive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
