Letting Go

Letting go is not always easy. Letting go is not always your first priority. Well at least for me it is very hard to let go. My Dom hit it on the head when He stated..."it is hard for you to not be in control." I said "yes, Big Daddy."

Why is letting go so hard? Well for me, I had so little control growing up, that when I did get a chance to have some control over me then I held on to that for dear life. I had no control over what I said, thought, felt, went my friends, college, dressed, absolutely nothing. My day was dictated from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. So why get involved in a lifestyle that would drive me back into that situation? My life needs structure. I realized, well better yet, I admitted to myself, I need structure, but I am not self-disciplined enough to do it and stick to it myself. Quite sad really for a 40 year old woman. But, if you need meds for your health then you take meds. I view my lifestyle the same way. I need some outside influence to put and enforce structure in my life and my D/s lifestyle with my Dom provides that.

So what am I letting go of now. My preference to style of dress. No I don't prefer dresses. I feel most like me when I am in a nicepair of low-ride, boot cut, form fitting blue jeans. Now, add to that some big hoopy ear rings and a pair of cowboy boots and top it off with a plain white t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. That is me in a nut shell. No make up. My Dom prefers me in a dress, form fitting of course. A pair of either dressy sandals or high heeled dressy shoes, some lipstick and a nice hair do that hangs to my shoulders with my naturally wavy and curly hair or a hair piece in that matches my natural hair with some brownish streaks. This is not me at all. I am not a girly girl and I am not at all comfortable with this look. But, this is not my choice it is His and His alone and mine is to submit and obey.

So comes Easter. We go shopping. He gets a really nice three piece burnt orange with pin stripes suit. He then instructs me to a dress and shoes, the whole nine. I know what He is wanting me to buy, but I am fighting myself and I suppose Him. Oh, I will not out right defy Him (not unless I want my tail end blistered), but I did not want to get the dress He wanted, well the type of dress. Now the shoes--well I love shoes and that was not an issue. I already had picked out several different types and styles of shoes based on color that would give me a variety of options in a color of dress. Plus, the shoes would also match items already in my closet.

He made arrangements with the hair dresser for me to get my hair done. He had already explained what style He wanted. He then called me and told me the day and time of my appointment. He knew I would not miss it and that I would get exactly what He was paying for. Yes, He gave me the money to pay for not just the hair piece but also the cost of "setting" in her chair. So the piece is wavy black with brown streaks and is shoulder length of course. I have gotten rave reviews on my hair and of course I tell everyone that He selected the style, and made the appointment and paid for it all, everyone is is impressed. In fact my Dom has excellent taste, impeccable taste and knows exactly what "I want my wife to look like." Do I really like the style, honestly, not really. Why? Again I prefer ponytails but this isn't about me is it? No! He is my Dom and it is about my obeying and putting His needs, wants and desires before mine. Therefore, I will wear it, no complaints, and be grateful God has given me someone who always wants me to look my best not just to Him but to the outside world too. By the way I had my eyebrows done too. I love having my eyebrows done.

I got these orange strappy three inch heels that looked absolutely fabulous on me. Yes, He was quite pleased with them. I do tend to like "hooker" shoes.

Now the part I truly struggled with. THE DRESS. He wanted me to get a nice "sexy" dress. When I say "sexy" I mean something that for me would never come off the rack much less be on my body for others to see. So, I returned from shopping with nothing. On the ride home, I am thinking and trying not to cry, that he is going to be disappointed, not mad but not happy either. I spent more than 4 hours driving all over town and a couple of close by cities and had nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank.

I pull into the driveway and no dress and he frowns. He says, you didn't get anything? I said no, BigDaddy. Why? Because, nothing looked appropriate for church. He walked off. I went into our room and sat on the bed and cried. He was so disappointed in my not getting the dress. Now, I saw several he would have approved of but nothing I felt comfortable in. So in comes into the bedroom and sits down. He says, didn't you see anything. I asked permission to talk freely. He said, yes. I said, actually I found several that you would have liked but nothing I would dare ware to church. They made me uncomfortable and I can't stand in front of the church and sing with those dresses on. He said, fine, tomorrow we will go shopping. My heart sank. I thought when he said fine, that then I could go get something I wanted.

So Saturday morning we get up feed the kids and leave for the mall. I took him to the stores I saw the dresses. The first few he didn't like. Then I took him to the mall. I took him the a store called Debs. I showed him several of the dresses I had seen. But he looked around the store. He selected a couple of dresses that he liked and made me cringe. But I obediently tried each on. He put them all back. He then selected an orange dress that had gathers in front and medium sized diamond design in the center of the chest covered with rhinestones. It is backless, with two tie strings around the neck and of course is sleeveless. He liked the way it fit and bought it. He asked if I liked it. I said it is a nice party dress. He said it is not for a party. I said, I know. I then asked if I could at least purchase a nice sweater to wear over it. He agreed. We searched and I found a nice white one that was short waisted and tied at the bust.

So off to church we go Easter Sunday Morning. I of course have one the dress, the sweater, and the shoes (which I love). Anyway, I paste on this smile. I am very uncomfortable in the dress. We get to church and everyone just loves the dress. I get more relaxed. I eventually get to the point where I am comfortable in the outfit my Dom has picked out. I think OK, it is not as bad as I thought.

The lesson learned here is this. It doesn't matter what others think, only what my Dom thinks. I have learned to trust his judgement in all things. Yes, my mind and heart was set at ease when those I thought would judge me didn't. But, the point is that I should have trusted him, when he said that people will like the dress. I should have trusted his judgement to only make me look my best. I should have trust Him.

I can't describe how I felt being pushed passed my limits of what is appropriate and what is not. He took me beyond what I think about how I dress, he took me beyond what I think others think about how I dress, to the realm of what he thinks about the way I dress. He brought me beyond my comfort zone into his realm of control. I am comfortable in low rise jeans, boots, and a plane white t-shirt. I am now just as comfortable in a skirt, long or short, dresses any length and style. Yes, I dress for him. Yes, I wear what he wants. Yes, he selects my clothes daily. Yes, I must present him a selection of panties/bras and he decides which one I wear. Yes, I must ask permission to wear pants.

Letting go is not easy. I still have long way to go. There are days I just want to say, I want my pants. I want my comfortable big girl panties. I want, I want, I want. But again this is not about me is it. But, it is about me. He only wants what is best for me. He only wants me to look nice for him. He only wants the world to see me at my best. It was indeed an exchange of power for me. Me giving up the control of what I want to wear to wearing what he approves of for me to wear. I am aware not many if any will understand this but it is a major step for me to relinquish this level of control to him.

A'sBabe