Relinquishing Control

Wow, talking about a power exchange. This is a hard for me. I am the ultimate control freak. I mean really and honestly. I will fight to be in control, but with our new dynamic I am being taught to give up all control. Again, I am not a doormat or a slave, but I am His helpmate and He mine.

At the beginning of our marriage, He took precedence with me above all else, not to the mutual exclusion of everything. Then over the years, feeling the need to make sure I was just as important as He, I began to wrestle some, no most, no in reality all that I had so willingly given Him before without thought or hesitation away from Him. Why, because I felt and imagined there to be some inequities in our relationship. Real or not, they were my perception of how things were going and that made them real enough for and to me. So, how did I get there from where I was? His family. I felt since we had moved to His home town, and I knew absolutely NO ONE, I had to show everyone, that I was in command of my home. Stupid, I know. He always gave me free reign as long as I didn’t step over our preset boundaries that we had agreed upon the day we married. You, know the day we said I do. You know those wedding vows.

I am the one that lost sight of them. I am the one that let my insecurities run away with me and almost messed up the best thing to happen to me since the Salvation of my soul. He continued to not only tell me but to show me He loved me. He never stopped expressing that I was the most important thing in His world, and what the outside world thought or felt, didn’t amount to a hill of beans. He always said “Babe, what my mom and sister think don’t matter. What my brothers feel doesn’t matter. So forget about what they are saying. I love you and always have and always will. As long as you keep me happy that is all that matters.” The problem is, is that I knew deep in my heart He wasn’t as happy as I knew He use to be. And it was my entire fault. OK, yes, He could have at anytime said, “Babe, you are going too far and you doing too much and you are saying too much.” Oh, wait He did say all those things. I would change for a little while just to appease Him, but there was no real change and eventually, I would slip back into my old new role, of Master Of My Family. So, what has made the change?

Discipline. Yes, I said Discipline. No, I am not crazy or insane. I thought about, what for years I was missing and wanting and deeply desiring. Then it hit me like a ton of stupid rocks. Every aspect of my life had accountability, enforced accountability. Everything but my marriage. Oh, sure I had my vows, but I needed those to be enforced. Love-not a problem. Honor-not too big an issue. Respect-not an issue. Obey-now there is the problem. I have always loved Him and respected Him and occasionally honored Him. But obey, what obey, I haven’t obeyed anyone since I moved from my parent’s home. But that is not true is it. I obey the laws of the land. I obey the laws that govern my religion. I obey the laws at work. I obey the laws of our church. Shoot, I even obey mostly obey the laws of my healthy eating life style. You see, I can obey, but there was just nothing at home. So, I researched and found amazing things on the internet about Discipline and set my mind to present this to Him. I did it. I got the nerve up and showed Him what I had been researching for quite sometime and reading and thinking about. He thought about it too and agreed to give it a try. We have tried it and it works for us, it works.

So, what am I talking about? I am talking about His using various methods of discipline on me to more or less keep me in check. I am talking about Him limiting the nights I can be away from home. I am talking about Him restricting the amount of time I can spend on the computer. I am talking about Him selecting what I will wear for the day. I am talking about Him selecting what type of panties I wear. I am talking about Him setting my bedtime. I am talking about Him limiting what I spend out of our account. I am talking about informing Him of my daily plans. I am talking about informing Him when I broke a preset rule, rather deliberately or unintentionally. I am talking about submitting to His every sexual desire no matter what He wants without question. I am talking about doing whatever He ask, whenever He ask, however He ask, without arguing. I am talking about our relationship being 51% Him and 49% me. In other words, He is the Head of the House and I am His helpmate to keep that house. The power exchange took place and I have never been happier. It is like being newly weds again, because I have rediscovered what I almost destroyed in my quest to be me. You see, He never asked me not to be me, you know the me He married all those years ago. I am the one who became this unknown wife and person, that I didn’t even recognize my own self. I wasn’t too happy with my self and haven’t been for a long time, I just didn’t know how to find me. But through discipline I have found the me I lost, and it is good to be HOME.