When The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Submit--a success story

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 12:20 am Post subject: Contemplating on posting this

Yes, I have gone back and forth on posting this or not. So obviously I decided to post it. I am not seeking advice, I got that already. If you don't agree with anything I am saying that is fine, I am not looking for a debate on anything I am going to say. For those who are unaware, my Dom and my husband are the same person.

Let me say this, thanks to both Ros and Denise, you have been so great in getting me through this, you have no idea how greatful I am for you both. Submission is not always easy. Ok the situation is this: My brother in law got married tonight. First, who the heck gets married on a weeknight, honestly. There are solid reasons for how I felt about tonights festivities that 1) I have no intention of going into, and 2) I am forbidden to go into, so details will not be forth coming. Anyway, I knew about the wedding months ago. I told my Dom I was not going. I had no intentions of going. I my heart of hearts this wedding/marriage is wrong on so many levels and for so many reasons. I disagree with this wedding taking place and there is no way I am going to lend agreement with it by showing up. He knows exactly how I feel about my brother in law. You see my brother in law is his fraternal twin. They are so opposite in stature, facial features, attitudes, personality, capabilities, and every other aspect, you wouldn't think they were related let alone twins.

Anyway, so I am going along, content that my Dom knows EXACTLY how I feel about my brother in law. There has never been any doubt in his mind about. I was quite happy that I was not going to this wedding. My Dom said nothing for months then suddenly last week he began reminding of the wedding. I thought nothing about it, because in my mind I was not going. Now my Dom was the best man, I am so not in tune with things right now, I am thinking he is reminding me, that he will be gone most of the evening for the wedding. Right

Let me state this. I am who I am. I am the way I am regardless if it is his family or mine. Example: when I was a child my oldest brother got married to a woman I couldn't stand but was too young to understand the feelings. So 20 years later she divorces him, I think finally, she is out. Oh no, 18mths later, I get a wedding invitation they are getting remarried. I thought WTH!!! I called my parents and told them no way in the world was I going to attend that wedding. I disagreed with that wedding on some levels for so many reasons and I was going to lend agreement to it by attending. My mom was not happy but I was an adult, married with three kids, she could not force me to attend the wedding I deep within my heart was a wrong. So no, I did not go. My husband tried to talk me into it, but since at the time we were not in a DD or D/s I put my foot down, and said he could drive 12 hrs to a wedding that was a sham if he wanted to, but me and my kids were not going. So none us of went. I felt about the wedding tonight the way I felt about my brothers wedding then. BTW, after they got remarried, they divorced again 6mths later. WHAT!!! I told everyone they were going to divorce again and that was one (not the main) reason I was not going, it would be a waste of time.

Then Sunday night rolls around. I called my mother in law for something. She starts in about some programs I asked what programs, she says for the wedding. I said oh. She says are you coming, I started to say no, but before I coud she says there is excuse not to go. I thought to myself oh yes there is, I could list off at least a dozen why this wedding should not take place. So I asked what time was the wedding, no, I had no idea what time the wedding was because I had not planned on going. We hang up.

I walk into my bedroom and tell my Dom about the conversation. Then it happened. He was lying on the bed all comfortable. I saw him adjust himself to a sitting position, he body stiffened, his head went high, he face grew stern, and his voice low, calm, and very stern. He said "your husband is going and so are you." Then he went back to relaxing, watching tv, and generally chit chatting with me. I thought what the heck just happened, did he just order me to this wedding?

I said, no (I never say no unless it is in response to a question and the answer is no) I don't plan on going. I said, I didn't go to my own brothers wedding because of how I felt about it. I said, you know how I feel about him and this wedding. He didn't move an inch or bat an eye, he just stared at me for a brief few seconds (less than 10) and didn't mumble a single word. I knew then this was not up for debate. He didn't want to hear my arguements. He had made his decision and I was going to this wedding. I closed my mouth, lowered my eyes, and bowed my head, my physical of show submission. I was stuck going to something, in my heart of hearts, I didn't want to attend. I knew what was expected of me. Nothing short of my best behavior and an attitude of submission and I would show up for that wedding and help my mother in law in anyway I could. Plus, she had better not have to ask me for help.

This was very hard for me. Submission is well and good when it is easy and it is something I enjoy doing. Submision is well and good when it is easy and it is something I don't mind doing, even if I don't enjoy it. Submission is hard when it is something, I don't want to do, or something I find unpleasant. That is the test of my submission to him. That is how we judge how submissive I am and if I am truly his submissive.

So I prayed for my ability to submit to him in this and to be obedient in that I know he will expect from me. I went to the wedding for him and my now sister in law. I put a smile on my face. I did everything I could to make sure I was not the person who messed up her wedding. I found my mother in law afterwards and asked her what she needed help with. I did my part during the reception by serving and cleaning up and corralling kids.

I still feel the same about the wedding. But I was successful in submitting and obeying. He was very proud of me. He asked me while I was serving how I was doing. I said fine. He said ok, just checking on you. He smiled at me and went to mingle. My mother in law gave me a kiss on the cheek and said thanks for helping. My reward was two fold, my Dom was pleased and my mother in law was too. She is a very hard woman to please.

I know it is long and sorry. I know there are a lot out there who wont get this or understand or agree with it, and that is ok. I have said all along what we do is not for everyone, but it works for us. I can't just submit when I want to and don't when it doesn't suit me. I gave up that right last year when we began this journey. I am his. I belong to him. I have only the rights he gives me. Acts of submission are required and this one was big one and I passed with flying colors. His smile at me tonight was the greatest thing and I am happy I was able to please him in this.

IN RESPONSE

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time respond to me. I will try to answer them as best I can. I love to write. I love to write about the things that mean the most to me. I love my life and my husband. I write what I feel and think and in the most honesty and open way I can. I don't want anyone to be mislead or to give the wrong impression, but I just write how I feel. Thank you for being able to see the passion I have for this lifestyle and my marriage and my husband. A lot of people miss that and I end up either re-explaining things or getting frustrated.

The blog helps me to keep in perspective everything and let me put into words the emotions and feelings and thoughts floating in my head. Thanks for visiting my blog again. I really want it to be just informative but inviting as well. I figure if people want to look at porn they can do that on sites specifically designed for it. I want my blog to be viewed as more than a spanking blog, because it is so much more to this, than getting your hide tanned. For me, it is mental, this lifestyle makes me go deep into psyche and realize that I am more than a spanked wife. Yes, I would very much like for you to announce I am back. But, you may wish them to know we are D/s, (not BDSM--although we do practice some things) and that we utilize many/most elements of DD to add to and reinforce our lifestyle. I don't think I will be including any BDSM specific items to the blog, I don't want people to get the impression that DD or D/s must include BDSM because as you know it doesn't. D/s is how we relate to one another, while DD is what we use to keep things in order, and BDSM is how we sometimes relate sexually, does any of that make sense.

22 years WOW, that is truly amazing. We didn't even know there was such a thing. Honestly, the only person I have ever felt the desire to even remotely in the far reaches of my mind is my husband. I actually typically refer to him as my Dom, but some tend to think that rules how we "work" but we still a have marriage same as others, but we just "operate" within it differently. My man, has a quite presence about him. He just sits and watches things and people and then makes a choice rather or not they are someone he wants to get involved with. I must say, he has this uncanny knack to "size" people up and 9 out of 10 he is dead on the money. He will tell me if someone is full of themselves and is not someone he wishes to get to know better. He is extremely private about everything, that includes what goes on at work, at church, especially in our home. He will tell people what they need to know and if they press him for more, he will promptly tell them that is none of their business and to let the issue drop. If they persist, he will excuse himself and leave. I have seen this happen a few times, and thought, the other person was warned, they should have let it go. So, yeah, he is very authoritative. I have seen him angry at other men and it was not pretty. He managed to exercise great control not to become physical with the guy, but man did he give that guy the tongue lashing, it made me feel sorry for the other person, and glad it was not me. One other thing, I have always been aware of him when he walks into a room. But, now, I can't ignore that presence anymore, one because I must always acknowledge him, and two since beginning this I don't seem to have the "power" to do it anymore. This is getting to be longer than I expected. Sorry.

I will say this, When we first married, and for the first three years of our marriage, we were great. We had no idea about D/s or DD or BDSM. However, I never bucked at him and he never did spank or punish me. There was no need really. He would direct or command and I would follow and obey, that is just the way it was. Then we moved to his home town and I felt I had something to prove to his family and that is when things got out of place. I stepped into my alpha-female role. I am really not that submissive to others, I don't feel a need to be, and he doesn't expect me to. I am quite comfortable being the alpha-female but suppressed that when I was around him, until we moved to his home town. He waited patiently, for me to get tired of "leading" our family, (it took six years). He would from time to time, put his foot down, and I would "fly right" for a while. I would slip back into my alpha-female, and he would let it go for a while, he would express his maleness and then I would be me again for a while. A terrible long tiring tearfilled confusing six year cycle, that neither one of us was "happy" with, but didn't know how to break. He just let me have my run and get exhausted, I did just that.

I came to him one day, with the concept of DD. I researched. Actually, I liked spanking stories. I felt so comfortable pretending to be the "girl" in trouble. I thought one day, do people really live this way, because fiction tends to imitate life. I came across the LDD site and it the lights finally came on. I was not sick, or weird, or odd, or nasty, or a number of other things I called myself. I presented the idea to him showed some sites and some research and he took several days to mull it over and now a year later here we are. The dress. Yes, it solidified things mentally and emotionally for me. I don't know, things are so different now, but in the best of all possible ways. Oh, we are still finding our way in this, but our we so much more like it was when we first married, we are both happy and content again.

April is our wedding anniversary. It is the month I stopped fighting him and yielded to him in all things and it is the month he collared me. We had discussed a collaring when we began this journey. I am the one who brought it up, since I am the one who did the research, he said let him think about it. Well he thought about it for six months or so, and only gave me the answer I longed to here after the dress situation. I think it was a test of how much I would yield, you see he wants all and not just part, and my style and comfort zone was a part he knew would be hard. But, that one I passed and then he said order the collar and I did. Yes, it increased my feelings of completely belonging to him and being subjected to his authority. The collaring was just the two of us, no formal ceremony.

as_babe

Letting Go

Letting go is not always easy. Letting go is not always your first priority. Well at least for me it is very hard to let go. My Dom hit it on the head when He stated..."it is hard for you to not be in control." I said "yes, Big Daddy."

Why is letting go so hard? Well for me, I had so little control growing up, that when I did get a chance to have some control over me then I held on to that for dear life. I had no control over what I said, thought, felt, went my friends, college, dressed, absolutely nothing. My day was dictated from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. So why get involved in a lifestyle that would drive me back into that situation? My life needs structure. I realized, well better yet, I admitted to myself, I need structure, but I am not self-disciplined enough to do it and stick to it myself. Quite sad really for a 40 year old woman. But, if you need meds for your health then you take meds. I view my lifestyle the same way. I need some outside influence to put and enforce structure in my life and my D/s lifestyle with my Dom provides that.

So what am I letting go of now. My preference to style of dress. No I don't prefer dresses. I feel most like me when I am in a nicepair of low-ride, boot cut, form fitting blue jeans. Now, add to that some big hoopy ear rings and a pair of cowboy boots and top it off with a plain white t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. That is me in a nut shell. No make up. My Dom prefers me in a dress, form fitting of course. A pair of either dressy sandals or high heeled dressy shoes, some lipstick and a nice hair do that hangs to my shoulders with my naturally wavy and curly hair or a hair piece in that matches my natural hair with some brownish streaks. This is not me at all. I am not a girly girl and I am not at all comfortable with this look. But, this is not my choice it is His and His alone and mine is to submit and obey.

So comes Easter. We go shopping. He gets a really nice three piece burnt orange with pin stripes suit. He then instructs me to a dress and shoes, the whole nine. I know what He is wanting me to buy, but I am fighting myself and I suppose Him. Oh, I will not out right defy Him (not unless I want my tail end blistered), but I did not want to get the dress He wanted, well the type of dress. Now the shoes--well I love shoes and that was not an issue. I already had picked out several different types and styles of shoes based on color that would give me a variety of options in a color of dress. Plus, the shoes would also match items already in my closet.

He made arrangements with the hair dresser for me to get my hair done. He had already explained what style He wanted. He then called me and told me the day and time of my appointment. He knew I would not miss it and that I would get exactly what He was paying for. Yes, He gave me the money to pay for not just the hair piece but also the cost of "setting" in her chair. So the piece is wavy black with brown streaks and is shoulder length of course. I have gotten rave reviews on my hair and of course I tell everyone that He selected the style, and made the appointment and paid for it all, everyone is is impressed. In fact my Dom has excellent taste, impeccable taste and knows exactly what "I want my wife to look like." Do I really like the style, honestly, not really. Why? Again I prefer ponytails but this isn't about me is it? No! He is my Dom and it is about my obeying and putting His needs, wants and desires before mine. Therefore, I will wear it, no complaints, and be grateful God has given me someone who always wants me to look my best not just to Him but to the outside world too. By the way I had my eyebrows done too. I love having my eyebrows done.

I got these orange strappy three inch heels that looked absolutely fabulous on me. Yes, He was quite pleased with them. I do tend to like "hooker" shoes.

Now the part I truly struggled with. THE DRESS. He wanted me to get a nice "sexy" dress. When I say "sexy" I mean something that for me would never come off the rack much less be on my body for others to see. So, I returned from shopping with nothing. On the ride home, I am thinking and trying not to cry, that he is going to be disappointed, not mad but not happy either. I spent more than 4 hours driving all over town and a couple of close by cities and had nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank.

I pull into the driveway and no dress and he frowns. He says, you didn't get anything? I said no, BigDaddy. Why? Because, nothing looked appropriate for church. He walked off. I went into our room and sat on the bed and cried. He was so disappointed in my not getting the dress. Now, I saw several he would have approved of but nothing I felt comfortable in. So in comes into the bedroom and sits down. He says, didn't you see anything. I asked permission to talk freely. He said, yes. I said, actually I found several that you would have liked but nothing I would dare ware to church. They made me uncomfortable and I can't stand in front of the church and sing with those dresses on. He said, fine, tomorrow we will go shopping. My heart sank. I thought when he said fine, that then I could go get something I wanted.

So Saturday morning we get up feed the kids and leave for the mall. I took him to the stores I saw the dresses. The first few he didn't like. Then I took him to the mall. I took him the a store called Debs. I showed him several of the dresses I had seen. But he looked around the store. He selected a couple of dresses that he liked and made me cringe. But I obediently tried each on. He put them all back. He then selected an orange dress that had gathers in front and medium sized diamond design in the center of the chest covered with rhinestones. It is backless, with two tie strings around the neck and of course is sleeveless. He liked the way it fit and bought it. He asked if I liked it. I said it is a nice party dress. He said it is not for a party. I said, I know. I then asked if I could at least purchase a nice sweater to wear over it. He agreed. We searched and I found a nice white one that was short waisted and tied at the bust.

So off to church we go Easter Sunday Morning. I of course have one the dress, the sweater, and the shoes (which I love). Anyway, I paste on this smile. I am very uncomfortable in the dress. We get to church and everyone just loves the dress. I get more relaxed. I eventually get to the point where I am comfortable in the outfit my Dom has picked out. I think OK, it is not as bad as I thought.

The lesson learned here is this. It doesn't matter what others think, only what my Dom thinks. I have learned to trust his judgement in all things. Yes, my mind and heart was set at ease when those I thought would judge me didn't. But, the point is that I should have trusted him, when he said that people will like the dress. I should have trusted his judgement to only make me look my best. I should have trust Him.

I can't describe how I felt being pushed passed my limits of what is appropriate and what is not. He took me beyond what I think about how I dress, he took me beyond what I think others think about how I dress, to the realm of what he thinks about the way I dress. He brought me beyond my comfort zone into his realm of control. I am comfortable in low rise jeans, boots, and a plane white t-shirt. I am now just as comfortable in a skirt, long or short, dresses any length and style. Yes, I dress for him. Yes, I wear what he wants. Yes, he selects my clothes daily. Yes, I must present him a selection of panties/bras and he decides which one I wear. Yes, I must ask permission to wear pants.

Letting go is not easy. I still have long way to go. There are days I just want to say, I want my pants. I want my comfortable big girl panties. I want, I want, I want. But again this is not about me is it. But, it is about me. He only wants what is best for me. He only wants me to look nice for him. He only wants the world to see me at my best. It was indeed an exchange of power for me. Me giving up the control of what I want to wear to wearing what he approves of for me to wear. I am aware not many if any will understand this but it is a major step for me to relinquish this level of control to him.

A'sBabe